Mexicali Blues

Megarita, obviously!

I have staggered home from a week south of the border. This was not my typical tour of questionable urban areas and cultural sites and Diamante buses with my beloved hermano; this was a serious vacation with white sands and blue waters and excessive amounts of water sports. I, ladies and gentlemen, went to Cancun for spring break. (Profs Gone Wild! Profs Gone Wild!)

The Bullet Points, if you will . . .

1. There is such a thing as too much jacuzzi. We had some marathon sessions on this trip. My fingers are still not fully de-pruned. But DAMN am I relaxed!

2. The way to miss MTV SPRING BREAKERS is to stay in places that they cannot afford and eat in places where no one speaks English. This worked admirably, and I had to say that I felt smug in my maturity. And I looked way hotter compared to our fellow beachgoers than I would in the midst of 20-year-olds, which is key.

3. There are many kinds of tequila. Mi hermano and I learned this in the city itself--Tequila, I mean--many moons ago. My friend S. and I rediscovered this at a fancy distileria near Cancun. We sat on the lagoon side of the island and sipped (never shooting! never!) high end tequila until we were good and hammered (oops) at which point a waiter came over and dragged us to the edge off their deck. We looked down, and there was a rather massive crocodile sitting below us, looking up with what can only be described as a look of expectation. Apparently the waiters have named him Tequila (I'd call him Gordo, myself) and they feed him whole chickens when he comes by. Has no one watched Lake Placid? NO ONE????

4. Snorkeling, part 1. One should read the "here are the fish you might see" card before hopping into the Caribbean reefs off Isla Mujeres. Otherwise, one might find oneself happily swimming amongst several dozen *very* large shiny silver fish. Upon surfacing, one might call to one's friend "look how pretty these guys are!", at which point, the friend will calmly inform one that those are barracuda. Huge ones.*

5. Americans really are the loudest and most obnoxious people around. I say this with my flag raised high. Our voices echo across any landscape and make the locals grimace in pain. I have a laugh like a demented villainess--I cackle--but I really hope and pray that I don't sound like those guys. "Hugh! Hugh! Look! They got I-talian food over here! HUGH! COME HERE!"

6. Americans are also perceived as being enormous fatasses, too, which ain't always wrong. We went on another boat trip--this time on little personal cigarette boats--and we each went two to a boat. All Brits and Aussies except for me and my friend, and then this pair of gals from Nebraska came in. The boat guy just said "Dios Mio" and wiped his brow anxiously.

7. Large women, part 2. The same boat trip--all men except for me and the two zaftig ladies. My friend led a chorus of "Fat Bottomed Girls" with the other fellows when the girls were far away. Despicable. He only took back his cruel singing when he realized that the plumper boat sent up way better wake than anyone else's, and it was fun to ride behind and surf our tiny boat off their wake. (If you want an image of this experience, picture Megarita clutching the side of the boat with white knuckles while her companion makes our tiny boat catch air and shrieks like a madman. It was like having a demented Kermit the Frog as my driver.)

8. Snorkeling, deux. Snorkel is a fun word to say, but they can chafe your mouth. Does everyone have this problem, or is it still my screwed up mouth? I didn't care. I floated happily with my mouth on fire and shivering like a naked lady on the north pole until the tour folks forced me back into my little boat.

9. Snorkeling, tres. Because I am rather fearful of the sharky population (see "delicious flesh," above), I don't like the loss of peripheral vision that happens when you snorkel with a mask. So I became The Girl Who Turns Around. I think of this move as a Crazy Ivan, to quote The Hunt for Red October. I simply swim in a quick circle every now and again to make sure some sort of bull shark isn't about to snack on me. This little move was hugely entertaining to the Aussies on our second tour. I hate people.

10. We had many adventures, but the best part of the trip may have been sitting in a hammock on Isla with a pina colada in my hand and watching the sun set. Not a care in the world, no thought at all for work, and a nice salty taste to my skin. Paradise.

*I'm not saying we need to fear barracuda, in spite of my deliciousness to bears and other wildlife. I'm just recommending a cautious and respectful approach rather than saying "shiny! Ooooh! I can almost touch them!" This is surely a way to lose a hand.