Ten People I'd Like to Push Down Stairs

These seem excellent stairs for shoving!

This cruel little meme was Chimmy's idea, and I think he was kidding, but when I read the title an entire roster starting flowing through my brain. I'll keep it to 5 just to keep things fresh. Feel free to add on as you see fit.

In no particular order:

1. The fellow from the Today show this weekend who was reporting on the recent display of poor little Tut's body in Luxor. He kept leaning on the vitrine that encased the atmospherically-controlled display for Tut. Boy's 3000 years old, fellow. Give him some space. That display isn't made of lead. Back it up. And don't say he had "buck teeth." This is the mummified corpse of a pharaoh, a body without organs or brain, covered in resin. He's not looking his plumpest or cutest, hmmm? I watched the entire segment just in case one of the curators propelled himself out of the wings and took this guy down. "You! Know! Nothing!" Sadly, no luck. [Rugby tackle!]

2. People who work in education who say grammar doesn't matter. I don't mean on blogs, people. This is a free-for-all, and I think it should be. But don't write something intended for public distribution, get corrected, and then get defensive. Sound ignorant and illiterate on your own time and under your own professional identity. You expect to hear this malarkey from students, not from grown-ups. (Not you, I mean that person over there!) [Push!]

3. The ladies in Alabama who keep praying over my friend who's confined to a wheelchair. He can't roll 15 feet or try and cross the street without someone trying to lay hands on him. No one wants to talk about making buildings more accessible for his wheelchair, or discuss getting a van that can take him to somewhere truly thrilling like Target once in a while, but they will pray the hell out of his poor, sinful body. (Sinful of course because why else would he be in a wheelchair?) [SHOVE!]

4. The sleazy husband at the party this past weekend who kept trying to touch me and others in inappropriate ways while his wife was right there. Dude, you somehow got a woman to marry you and apparently put up with your silliness. You obviously were once rather handsome and somewhat of a rake. Wake up and smell your 50s. You are no longer either. Now you are a lech and if you grab my ass again you're going to be wearing my drink. I would have handled this already except I don't want to embarrass your very nice wife. Ass. [Elbow in the nose!]

5. The parents at Fall Preview Day on my campus who walked past me and my table for a humanities department and rolled their eyes and muttered, "like anyone can get a job with that major." I finally stopped one of them and made a list of all the jobs you could get if you weren't such an idiot and what makes you think your kid has the brainpan to handle medical research anyway? [Push for parent, quick kick in the shins for me.]

It is cleansing, this list. Do join me on the stairs!

Edit: Because I sound like the Queen of Bitterpants, I will add a wee section here for "People I Might Carry Up the Stairs," because I'm actually not really as angry as I sound above.

1. My Chiropractor. Not only is he hot, he's French. How do I know? He almost scolded me today for having weird tension in my back. I explained that it was likely the result of wearing high heels most of the weekend. His response? "I can never be angry over that." Yay. A doctor who loves women. And who smells amazing. And who has a great accent.

[moment alone . . . ]

2. My friend who had the party with the #4 above, because he made me a cocktail involving tequila and rosewater (or maybe orange blossom) that nearly made me fall to my knees and thank the baby jesus that I was present and able to drink as many of these things as my high-heeled body could contain.

3. My other friend for driving my sorry, drunk, high-heeled ass home that night. Love you, too.