Just because you can doesn't mean you should
Beards.
This is the one reason I loathe the cooler weather.
Beards. (not scruff. Beards.)
Inevitably, any man who can grow one will try and grow one. This is fine for a lot of men. Yay you with your testosterone. But some men should be halted in their hirsute steps. I will clarify.
1. Men with good jawlines. I think beards are for hiding behind. For shielding the world from weak chins and skinny jaws. Is this tied to my fear of mascots and clowns? Maybe. It's definitely tied to my appreciation of a good jawline.
2. Men with a full head of hair. I like the beard more on men who have less hair on their heads. Not so overwhelming.
3. (And this is the real reason, obviously, and the source of my frustration) Men who are dating me. Almost every fellow I have dated over the cooler months will show up one day and "surprise me" with the beard he's grown. Like he's a cat bringing me a dead bird or something. "Yay. A beard."
Why all the anger?
Sublist:
3a. Because you have somewhere under there a handsome face but now you look like you should be running a compound with your multiple wives and declaring independence from the union.
3b. BECAUSE IT HURTS! Scuffed faces, scuffed regions in other parts of the world, beard burn, etc. And do not try and say "oh, it will get softer when it grows out!" LIES!
3c. Because I've met up with hot wax and razors in order to be soft as a baby's ass, which is far less fun in the winter, but god knows I'm not going to go furry just because the mercury dips into the 40s.
3d. Because the beard is a trap for everything in the air. You're wearing an air filter on your face. The little hairs in your nose that catch dust and naughty particulates? Now they're on your face. And you've got food there, too. Such a vision to waken to.
3e. Because irony is not an accessory, especially one you want on your face. You are not Grizzly Adams, you are not Socrates, you are not Abraham Lincoln, etc. Gaze upon this image, and tell me this man looks better with a beard:
I say good day!Labels: trying to stop the inevitable
posted by Megarita @ 8:36 AM
8 Comments:
Due to my racial heritage, I believe I am genetically incapable of growing any substantial amount of facial hair. Still, I wonder whether your disposition is towards all facial hair, or strictly the full beard?
Haha. I will admit to enjoying a little scruff-burn (which should surprise approximately no one), but the full beard is a little hurty. Some guys can totally pull it off, I think, though others, not so much.
Facial hair is another unfair thing about the aging process-- men can grow beards or goatees to cover their marionette lines, while women just have to deal with it (or get Restylane injections and have one of those giant moon faces with no contours, I guess).
Some people look hot with beards. Like that student I shouldn't have a crush on.
66--A fair clarification! I tend to dislike 'em all, although the occasional scruffy look can be very attractive. But what I fear is the full-on beard.
MG--It's like a bad party trick. And no, I'm not surprised in the least that you enjoy some scruffage. Klassy Lady!
MA--Slut.
Go find yourself a little hairless elf-boy.
Hater.
Boo.
Once or twice a year I get far away from civilization for many days and let things go. The beard is the result. That's the only reason I grow a beard. This one will probably be gone in a month or so.
1. I come from a family of weak chins and jawlines.
2. Hater of the hirsute.
3. Chicks seriously dig the beard. This is almost universal. Perhaps I'm not as handsome underneath as my mom has told me.
3a. Not Applicable.
3b. I will admit that my thick hair is nothing compared to my facial hair. They are practically bristles.
3c. Speaking on behalf of my gender, we thank you for it...yet every so often it fun to explore the jungle. Its that whole "back to nature" thing.
3d. I gotta tell ya, I looooove the feeling of salt water running through my beard after I duck dive a wave. I keep it clean, with a little salt.
3e. I live NEAR boystown. Not IN boystown. This means nothing to me.
Chimmy--Without a doubt! I am owning my intense dislike. But, elf boy?
Claven--Hahahaha I knew you'd be on this like white on rice. I can only speak from my experience, and it hasn't been good.
Thusfar, I have managed to successfully avoid beard dating, but I think I'd agree with you.
Though I do have one friend who looks like a doughy faced newborn when he shaves, but when he has a beard I just want to jump him. So maybe it's an individual thing.
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