Pass the Dutch(ie)
I held off on unleashing my scorn on Chimmy's recent posts about dating and how expensive women are to keep. Indeed, I decided, "Well, Chimmy can be a bitterpants sometimes, but he amuses me and perhaps other men feel the same way. I will insist on paying my half on my date this week and see what happens."Because, true confession, I always offer to pay my half, especially on a first date. But I don't always mean it. Yes, I am that girl. Woman. Leech. Whatever. I could blame graduate school making me poor for so long, I could blame my upbringing, but it is what it is. I am very likely that girl.*
But I can be taught! Or at least I can try. The clever fellow from Bastille Day called me up and asked me to dinner this week. I never get picked up in bars, so I was flabbergasted. But he was a fun person to talk to and I said sure.
The date was last night. Pretty damn nice restaurant in the ATL. We got lots of sort of tapasy things (I know, JB, I was a little sad, too, but it is a good cuisine to make the meal casual. 'Cause you're reaching over people to grab the last honey fried goat cheese, for example) and a bottle of pinot grigio.
We chatted and talked and shared and rambled while happily slurping down chorizo and panzanella and peekytoe crab (heheheheehe peekytoe). Then I got a coffee since I had a drive ahead of me. And then came the check.
It sat there, as it tends to do for a while. I decided to wait until he reached for it and then use my ninja-like reflexes to throw my card in there. So we chatted a bit more and then he reached, I flipped my card in there over his protestations, and he said "dutch" in what sounded like a resigned tone.
ANALYSIS:
I think he read my offer to pay as a sign that he wasn't going to see me again. And I think he's right. When I've not fought to pay half, or when I've paid, one of us has always said something like, "I'll/you'll get next time?" or something. There's a promise of future meetings, which I never thought about until now. With The Dutch, I'm basically buying out my half of the contract, to use Chimmy's language. Or at least I was last night.
Along the same lines, I've gone out with men who found the woman paying distinctly unfeminine. These men are typically older, from abroad, or have spent a lot of time overseas, but there's that factor as well. (I have this cartoonish image of me bruisingly grabbing the bill out of this poor guy's hands and cramming my card in there with a grunt. Awesome.)
I don't believe this is always the case--other testimonies have suggested differently--but I was intrigued at how the shared payment altered the tone of the evening. Considerably.
Live from the ATL, this is Megarita reporting. Back to you in the studio.
*But I'm worth every penny. HA! I keed! Kinda.
Labels: date, kept woman, payment, rethinking strategy


12 Comments:
Did his not offering to pay altogether shape this decision that you probably won't see him again, or do you think that it was just a chemistry problem altogether? Because if he really was reading "lack of interest" in your offer to pay half, then that might be why he allowed it-- so you felt you didn't owe him.
I don't know-- if you had a fun time, maybe you should give it another go and see what happens then.
Yay! You had a date! (That's all I've got.)
I ALWAYS offer to pay. I NEVER mean it. I figure if things go well, they'll get a return on their investment at some point, and if they don't then they owe me a meal for putting up with their nonsense.
Egads. I saw your comment on Chimmy's post the other day. Somehow I kept my mouth shut (a first! I know!) in urging you away from this plan. This is exactly what I thought would happen. Because you are not the first to make this move. This is a classic "thanks, but no thanks" move. In my pitiful dating history, a woman paying her half has always been followed by "I'm kind of tired and ready to go home. Have a nice life." Social norms are generally there for a reason.
First, you're adorable. You cracked me up with this post.
Second, you're totally worth it.
Third, I'm absolutely that girl/woman too. There's something about that first date. I'll always offer, but I'm shocked it he makes me pay. Besides, I'll usually pick up the tab for date #2 if I dig him.
Fourth, I'm totally curious about MG!'s questions, so I'll come back for your answer.
Hey, at least you had a date! I haven't had one in ages.
Well, Chimmy can be a bitterpants sometimes, but he amuses me and perhaps other men feel the same way.
A bitterpans?! That's how you view me?
Unlike Claven's suggestion, I don't think you violated any social norms by offering to pay. More than likely you went against a traditional folkway by offering to pay your own way. I doubt anyone is going to ostracise you for insisting on paying for your half of the dinner. How was the dynamic changed by your offer of payment? And, is that a bad thing????
MG asks some good questions. How did you feel about your date? If he insisted on paying would that open the gates to a second date? Did that final act of paying have anything to do with the date at all?
I mean, if a date rests on the final act of payment then that's not much of a date.
Tell you what...for testing my "bitterpants philosophy" I owe you a dinner. I'll pay...no strings attached. I won't even force you to feign for your purse. It would be a good opportunity to discuss the rules of dating. And, I might be able to prove that I am NOT a bitterpants in the process.
Offering to pay is fine, even encouraged. Somewhat insistent is even OK. But actually paying your way does mean you want out...as a guy. Actually being insistent that you pay your way ALWAYS means this isn't going anywhere. To confirm MG!'s comment, an offer to pay is not offputting in the least. But jumping across the table pretty much means this chick is not going to take your call.
MG!--I'm not totally sure whether he read me or not. And I could live a full life not seeing him again, but it wasn't a bad time at all. I was pretty ambivalent about the whole date, though. No great chemistry. He did call the next day, much to my shock, and say what a great time he had. So confused. I'm going to give him Chimmy's number to debrief!
MA--Seriously, this poor guy dealt with a girl who was trying to get her sea legs! Hahaaha.
JB--Even if you have a bad time?
Cliffy Uno--Perhaps! But I knew this guy could go either way in terms of attraction/chemistry, so I thought it couldn't hurt? I certainly didn't mean for this to hurt.
Megan--Why aren't you dating? I'm trapped in a small town, but god help Atlanta . . .
Chimmy--I think that post was quasi-bitterpants, which is a great word. And I love that you're feeling compelled to feed me for my trouble. Like I said, the man is perfectly nice, so I feel like the experiment undertaken in a reasonably objective setting.
Claven II--I don't think I was that forceful, to be honest. Maybe, though. I'm glad you can confirm what I sensed, though. I'm not the looneybird I thought. At least not all the time.
I was thinking about this last night, and I realized that if I have a friend-y good time (e.g. I would like to be pals with the guy but there's no chemistry), I'll insist on/manage to throw in--if not my share, then at least the tip or something.
If I have a lousy time, the dude pays. I've earned it by suffering his company for an hour.
Whenever I asked women out (I always followed my dad's rule: If you ask the out - you have to pay. He explained it with the comparison of, "If you invite someone ove for dinner, you don't charge them for half of the ingredients."
Now that I am married to a graduate student I assume that I should and need to pay for just about everything.
Did I mention my idea of dinner is beer and wings?
I always thought the girl trying to pay was just a formality, since she very rarely insists. When she does, I apply the "Rule of 2 Insistances", whereby I may insist upon paying no more than twice before the offer is rescinded, giving her the opportunity to show me that she's not just pretending to want to pay.
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