Ridley Scott Handles the Middle East

I had quite a day yesterday--brekkie with the boss, luncheon and lecture with my colleagues and students, and then an afternoon of drinking with said colleagues once we'd ditched the students. All this revelry resulted in me noticing the sun go down while I still had a margarita in my hand. This is the danger of drinking early--there are few things better than whiling away the hours of the afternoon in an outdoor cafe (70 in January? Hell yes, Georgia.), particularly the moments like when a very responsible colleague of mine remembered that he had left his wife with their two kids at the house hours ago with promises to quickly return-- you have a full evening of lying down ahead of you. Or at least I did. I was never intoxicated, but I accomplished a slow burn featuring tequila and that low-grade margarita mix. So I had a headache to beat the band when I finally rose from my plastic seat on the patio.

I staggered around my errands, thinking, I need food and I need to return those movies. While accomplishing the latter, I realized that it was not even 6 and I had no energy to do anything. So I got another movie for myself. The Kingdom of Heaven. I'd been interested in this film--I rather like our man Ridley, I'm fascinated by the Crusades, and I find both Liam Neeson and Orlando Bloom eminently watchable. So I set myself up on the comfy couch with a bucket of water and tried to while away these hours.

Really, the film ain't bad. It's been cut within an inch of its life, so there are huge plot holes, no sense of the passage of time, and few ideas about why we should care about the taciturn young knight played by Orlando Bloom, apart from his handsomeness. Also, the battle scenes between the Christians and the armies of Saladin were quite marvelous, but I had only recently watched the Return of the King (similar reasons requiring a long movie night) and the final conflicts seemed sooooo similar.

But, some great images: The King of Jerusalem, who was a leper and wore a silver mask to hide his ravaged face. Those siege machines that are not catapults but something far more elegant using counterweights? I think it's something like a trebuchet.

Not to spoil the movie (ahem), but Jerusalem (the city) falls to Saladin, who encourages Orlando to give up already with promises to spare the lives of the women and children inside. The film ends with Richard the Lionhearted trying to raise troops for a Crusade to take the city back, and the credits roll with a line from Senor Scott asserting that the city remains in crisis today.

Blech. And that wasn't even the tequila talking. Thank god for the historical documentaries attached. I can geek out and try to wash the taste of such a banal ending from my mouth. Please cease and desist on ruining epic pictures by trying to make them relevant. Make them entertaining, dammit. There's your relevancy.