Aw damn, I'm a curmudgeon . . .

Welcome back from the carbfest, party people!

I read about the latest findings on caffeine abuse in the paper on Sunday and nodded sagely. This is never a good sign. Whenever I get this cocky I should just turn to the back of the arts section and try to do the NY Times crossword and put myself in my place.

Students, residents, long-haul truckers, and hipsters under 21 all share a propensity toward caffeine abuse. The story is here. Heart palpitations, anxiety attacks, cold sweat. People end up in the emergency room losing their minds. Basically what happened to me when I tried no-doz in college, only now that shit's sold as a tasty beverage. I drank one as part of a shot a few months ago--car bomb? something with Jaeger and redbull--and honestly thought someone had slipped me something. I've never felt so insane in my life. Not drunk, mind you, I know drunk. We go way back. This was something skin crawly and high-pitched.

What makes me an old hag is that I've noticed a change in my students' caffeine abuse even in the short time I've been teaching. I had a load of papers recently that I could tell time by--this student didn't start this garbage until after midnight, and I'm thinking he tore through it by 4. But i've started getting papers that start out insane and only later deteriorate into tired teenager speak. I think it's the energy drinks!

I had a few of these chiquitas into my office to discuss some options and consider the finer points of the language. I showed them my "I can tell time" talents, they blushed, but one girl then piped up delightedly, "I was sailing on Red Bull, too! Whew!" I hadn't made the connection between her unnecessarily over-claused syntax--Faulknerian in its ambitions and single-celled in its communication--and her baby step drug use.

I don't know where I'm going with this--my own coffee this morning hasn't kicked in, and I didn't sleep well last night--but I guess this is a public service announcement from the surly English prof: Red Bull Gives You Nothing, but it makes your prof tired. Avoid at all costs.