Woof Woof (hiccup) Woof!

The healing balm of hysterical laughter poured over my troubled, achy brain this morning when I read this headline in my state's local paper:

UGA declares war on underage and excessive drinking

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAOhBlessTheirHearts.

What seems to have set off the usually calm administration of Woof U are the following factors: "First, came articles on drinking in the campus newspaper that administrators found too glib. Then, there was a flap over coupon books given to students as they bought textbooks that included ads for alcohol specials and bail bondsmen. That was followed by national publicity about the university making another list of top party schools."

The newspaper I can see--some snarktastic frosh showing off how totally wasted he got at the KA house last weekend is going to raise some red flags (idiot youth)*--but the the coupon books are hilarious. Every matchbook I used to light my Camel Lights during the Woof years featured a bail bondsman's ad. I know many pals who found those matchbooks to be a saving grace during some long Saturday nights spent in the lockup. I always kept a few on me "just in case"! And the party school? Well, better than the alternative: The Stone Cold Sober Schools listed in a recent Princeton Review. (I'm looking at you, Brigham Young!) [Disturbingly, the Princeton Review also ranked Georgia 8th on the list of schools "where people just don't study." Who the hell was being interviewed for this list? This is what I'd be nervous about if I were the administration! "Public ivy" my booty.]

The reason for my hilarity? UGA has some opportunities for drinking. Athens, GA has more bars per square mile than most large metropolises (metropoli?). Absolutely we drank heavily in these fine locales once we were 21. (I never had an ID, so I didn't risk much underage--we did that kind of drinking at parties and in fields, people. Ladles were involved.) Lunchpaper, the Globe, the Georgia Bar, that poolhall near Jittery Joe's . . .

But even sillier than the commercial realities of Athens is the hypocrisy. Tailgating for UGA home games brings out the drunkest, rowdiest, nastiest old men on the planet. Walking anywhere on campus on a game day was like walking through the world's largest construction site. Bourbon-scented bons mots abounded. I lived on campus through my sophomore year, and this was a big reason my roommate and I found a new place our junior year. If you weren't at the game being barfed on by a frat boy wearing a tie, you were being besieged in your quad by reeling middle-aged men reliving their heyday. "Sir, are you sure you went to school here?"

Georgia has addressed some tailgating in their battle against booze. No more setting up the tailgates before 7 am Saturday morning! (Don't ask. This is an excellent plan.) They're also offering more portapotties (praise allah) and more trash cans, so that the campus is not completely trashed by the drunk alums. But fear not, beloved alumni! There's no prohibition for you at the Georgia we love. "Rest assured, legal and responsible consumption of alcohol will not be affected by these new regulations." Oh, thank heavens! Thank goodness UGA's war on alcohol won't extend to the wealthy alumni. Consistency above all else.** Go dawgs. Sic' em.

*Dear god these are clips from the actual story: "Five days after a staff writer penned a story in The Red & Black describing 'beer pong' as a good way to 'enjoy getting tanked' and a 'flip cup' relay as an opportunity to 'get incredibly plastered,' newspaper editor-in-chief David Pittman said he regretted the decision to put the story, along with a separate article on bar-hopping and binge drinking, in print." What a complete jackass. The Red and Black has fallen far since my tenure on campus. It's independent from campus, so the administration doesn't have total oversight. Bad choice, paperboy.

**Yes, I realize this is about underage drinking, but you have to see the number of wasted parents and alums wandering campus to understand that this is as much a "message" than anything else happening or being distributed on campus. And my own glib tone is not meant to belittle the alcohol-related deaths of two fraternity brothers this past year. That's hideous. Completely avoidable, I think, but hideous.