What the past few weeks have been like

Join me as we venture into the terrifying world of unwashed academia...

Things said outloud to myself the last week of writing the dissertation:

--You are the worst whistling teakettle ever.

--Titus! TITUS! Where the fuck are you? (speaking to my Pelican edition of Titus Andronicus, as though it's going to call out to me from under the bed, or wherever the damn book has fallen, and apologizing for not waving me over because he only has one hand, etc.)

--(to mirror) Sweet jesus, I look like Gollum.

--Please laptop live live LIVE!

--Stupid sun. Stupid mothersmurfing sunshine. Go to hell.

--Man, I am whiffy. Jesus.

--God, it's really too late for me.

--Yeah, 5 hours is plenty of sleep. Yeah, I'll be fine. Getting up before 6 is not a problem.

--I love flannel. Flannel and lycra. Damn that's good fabric.

--I'd like to thank the Academy, the Nobel committee, and Verona blend Starbucks coffee for this Pulitzer Prize for best dissertation...

--(opening a package) Wait, is this a sex toy? Jesus, who sends friends sex toys? Why are my friends such freaks?

--(to rustle in the wall) If that's you, mouse, you can GO FUCK YOURSELF because I have NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT RIGHT NOW! (what I believe is a frightened squeak in response) Yeah, I thought so. That's right. Shove it.

--(to barking dog downstairs) Shut up you puppy asshole.

--I've got to get out of here.

--This chair is actually flattening my ass.

--No carpal tunnel...no carpal tunnel...no carpal tunnel...

--I wonder why I've never gotten into Ebay?

--SLEEP! Come on, brain. SLEEP!! You know you're tired! SLEEP!!!

--I wonder is this is what a stroke feels like...

--NO I can't go to dinner! DAMN IT you know I'm writing! DAMN YOU! Wait, can you bring me a bottle of wine? Yeah, white's fine. Great. Thanks.

--Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh (sob) heh heh heh

--Damn, echinacea. You smell bad.

--Man, how many spaces are there after a colon?

--Why do they even bother putting the cinnamon apple in the box of herbal teas? No one drinks it. Damn apple crap. Why aren't you lemon?